I have been in therapy for about 3 weeks and had an “a-ha” moment. I was telling my therapist that I didn’t get any sleep the night before because I was freaking out that I didn’t have toner for my printer. I mean literally freaking out.

First. I need toner. If I don’t get toner I can’t print the stuff I need and if I don’t print it than I can’t send it to the people that need it and than I won’t get the stuff I need.

Second. Ok. I can go to staples tomorrow and get the toner

Third. Crap. I’ve been to staples and they don’t have the toner I need

Repeat step one

No. They Have to have it. I got the printer there so they have to sell the toner.

Repeat step one

No. I just need to find the right toner

Get out of bed and look at toner ( it was now 3 am). Ok. I need the toner that has that picture of like a bow tie on it.

Go on to staples website and look for it.

Repeat step 1. For an hour and cry

Check office max and Amazon and HP and toner.com REPAT STEP ONE ANDCRY EVEN MORE

5 am. Fall asleep from crying

6 am. Alarm

Go. Ok. Take a picture of the type of toner you need and go to staples and find it.

Check website. They open at 8. Freak out until then

7:55 leave house and go to staples Look for toner by picture. Can’t find so repeat step,one in the store hoping some sales person will see me and ask if I need help (they don’t).
Ask front desk guy. Where can I find this toner with this symbol.

He shows me. I buy it. Go home. Put it in printer and it works. Print what I need and all is well

Apparently I do what is called circular thinking. I immediately go to worst case scenario. Someone doesn’t answer the phone. They fell down and died.

He gave me some cognitive thinking stuff to do to stop it which seems to be helping. I’m still doing the circular thinking but instead of being stuck in the circle, I stop and work my way out if it. And it seems to be helping to not go back into it

I’m starting therapy today. Real therapy with the talking and the feelings. Not just the drugs My head is in a real messed up place and hoping that talking about it and maybe learning some coping mechanisms will help.

I am not sleeping well which if you know me, that is odd. I can sleep thorough anything, but I haven’t been able to turn my brain off

It’s my first appt so it’s more a getting to know you and am I comfortable with you to tell you stuff. We shall see

I don’t make resolutions or goals for New Years. Why bother. I want to lose weight and eat better it’s not a goal, it’s a lifestyle change that I have to do.

Last year I said I wanted to read 60 books in a year. I knew I was gonna be able to do it because I read a lot. So it was a suckers goal. I used Goodreads to keep track of what I read and what I wanted to read. I read a few anthologies, are they one book or 6 because they were full lengthy books snobby different authors of the same genre. If they count as however many books get are than I read 133 books so far ( I am in the middle of two books so the total if I get the done in 12 days will be 135.

I want to start a new list for next year. So am making a new shelf in Goodreads for 2014.

I had a great idea last night. But it was 1 am (fine this morning) and I had taken Xanax so I have no idea what it was.

That happens a lot. I think of brilliant stuff in the dark of night, yet in the dark of morning, the idea is gone

If I could get my brain to work I would write it down, but that would involve planning and thinking and moving and that doesn’t want to happen when I have to, let alone in the middle of the night

So sorry. You get this type if stuff until my memory starts to work again

Went to A/C to see my parents. Really to get my moms kindle to return it. But my dad got me a room, so I’m staying Won 250.00 on a penny game which was nice

But

I’m seeing Gunnar and Matthew Nelson live and in person doing a tribute show for their father Ricky Nelson.

I’m way more excited about that than I should be

I was just updating my music on iTunes. Adding music, making playlists. That stuff. I ended up buying like 4 albums but have no idea what. I blacked out shopping. I was going through my music to make a playlist and found songs I have in recollection buying. Good stuff but I don’t remember buying it

I do that when I go to target also. I end up with $200 worth of stuff in black out shopping and get home and am like what the fuck did I buy.

Online shopping is the worst, I forget I but stuff and end up with presents which is fun

I am dealing with some crap at work. I cant go into it because it makes me angry and cry. Once stuff is better maybe I’ll go into it more but I don’t think so.

In better news.

ITS FRIDAY BITCHES